“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
The future is now.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”