JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.