Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
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I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect