Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.