Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
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[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Best spoiler warning ever
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.