These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
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*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.