For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
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Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.