[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
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Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.