HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
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People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*