Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Mornin
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison