Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
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Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’