CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
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When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
mom had nothing to worry about
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.