Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I falcon love using swear birds
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy