Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
incredible book dedication
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside