Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes