Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Breaking news:
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss