Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.