Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Canada has crack?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”