“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
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Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.