ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
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It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
This is so me 😂😂
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍