Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
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Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.