*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Chicago sounds lovely.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry