I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
True statement👍😏😁
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …