Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Merry Christmas
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?