Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*