I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.