Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
being a writer on Twitter:
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Knock Knock
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.