A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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Had an epiphany today.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.