You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)