People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Holy moly
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this