My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
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[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?