I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…