Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
In banana years, I am bread.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
sin harder.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
So the ex texted me
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..