“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
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how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Care for your back
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”