If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here