Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I put the p in pants.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.