So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
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Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
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HEYYYY MACARENA
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Practicing safe sax
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?