“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
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Okay
Siri: Retweet me.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.