Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“you changed” bro i was 15