nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.