if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
IT’S-A ME,
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*