my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
The best shot in the history of golf
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*