ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it