Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.