I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.