“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
why no one uses midhusbands
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Come back with a warrant
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am