Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
🤣could you imagine
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.