I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
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On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos