My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
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Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”