I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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Netflix and awkward silence?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.